This summer we will witness Stephen Harper’s transformation from a cold-hearted, scary fanatic with a hidden agenda to Steve, the lovable canuck who ladies want to dance with and men love to crack open a cold one and talk hockey with. As a special service, Calgary Grit will be keeping tabs on Harper’s summer makeover so that Canadian voters can judge his worthiness as Prime Minister on such important factors as how frugal he is with mustard.
Every stop on the BBQ circuit will feature a recap and Harper’s ranking on the human index; a scale ingeniously devised by myself where I determine how human he looked at the stop.
And, of course, I invite readers to send in pictures, news stories and fun personal anecdotes from your summer encounters with Harper (they don’t even have to be true! Just like Stephen trusts Gurmant, I trust my readers). And slogans! Send me your slogans! I’ve settled on “Glad as Hell Tour” until something better comes along.
And, without further adieu, here’s stop 1 on the Glad As Hell Tour!!!!!
Location: Stellarton, Nova Scotia
Positives: Did not randomly break into the Star Spangled Banner, despite fourth of July celebrations
Negatives: Missed opportunity to visit Peter MacKay’s potato farm and dog
Human Index: Johnny 5 – He’s somewhat lovable and good intentioned but we all know he’s still a robot
UPDATE: For those asking about the Human Index so that they can rate Harper themselves, here is the full scale:
1. 100% Human
2. Dick Cheney (we think he’s human…but are we sure?)
3. Data (Looks human, tries to be human, is just an emotions chip away from the real thing)
4. Agent Smith (Looks human but is still a cold hearted killing machine)
5. Johnny 5 (Wants to be human, but it’s abundantly clear he isn’t)
6. Michael Jackson
7. Klingon
